​​​Motherhood

 

Having kids is the biggest scam in the human race's existence.
First, your friends and relatives with kids brainwash you by talking about "having kids is pure love, joy, rainbows, flowers, and butterflies"… "it will transform your understanding of love and life"…
More like you will realize the true value of freedom, sleep, silence, good health, and having your shit together in general.
Then you finally get pregnant, and you think you’re going to feel and look all loved and cute, and everybody’s going to be smiling, helping, and complimenting you, when in the reality those, who know what you’re about to endure, are looking at you with sorry-ass smiles while thinking, "Welcome to the hell circus, sis!"

Then you go through the insane rollercoaster of the first trimester with endless throwing-ups and laying-downs.
Then, if you lucked out, you’ll catch a little glimpse of the beautiful and joyful pregnancy - the second trimester. A few weeks tops.
But then, very quickly, you get all whiny, mad, sweaty, hungry, tired, swollen, and I’m not talking about the pretty pregnant belly here, I’m talking about your limbs, sausage fingers and toes, bleeding gums, and the rest of the body parts that are not supposed to swell like that.
Here you’ll go through a crash course of bending over backwards and sideways to wash your crack, soon to be lost in the folds & rolls, put on your shoes, shave your swollen legs, and the above-mentioned cracks.
Oh yeah, you’ll piss 20 times every hour around the clock, and half of those times will be 2-drop false alarms. That’s your third trimester.
Your belly button is going to turn inside out too, umm-hmm…
Here you are also going to see your friends and/or relatives at your baby shower for the last time in a long time, at least in bulk, while frantically trying to pack your hospital bag and finish up nesting.
And then, without any warnings, breaks, or even short breathers, you will slide into the really life-changing experience of C-section or "natura" delivery. I don’t know what exactly is natural about your whole body splitting open to push out a whole-ass human being, but that’s how it’s designed (WTF?!!).
Did I mention that at this point you are already whiny, mad, hurting, tired, swollen, sweaty, hungry, sleep-deprived, and pissing all the time? Yeah…
Then a quick flash of ugly crying, smiling, and taking pictures. Relatives and friends congratulate and talk nonsense about your baby looking like grandma, while in reality, he/she looks like somebody dropped a freshly made dumpling on the floor. Dusty too.
Then in 2- 4 days of your body fresh-out-of-hell hurting, nurses and/or doctors checking all your body parts, nurses and/or doctors, the baby, and your partner waking you up every 20 minutes, and you trying to get used to the little creature gum-chewing off your nipples nonstop, you’ll go home to explore the magical world of motherhood and parenting with your partner who most likely embarrassed you in the hospital and got (and keeps on getting) on your every last nerve. No one cares that you only know everything (or at least the basics) in theory.
Then 6- 9 months of Groundhog Day:
hurting, breastfeeding, not sleeping, changing diapers, washing the little ass, bottles and baby clothes (forget about washing your own ass and clothes), crying, eating like there’s no tomorrow, trying to pay the medical bills that keep on coming like episodes of Santa Barbara, looking like a scarecrow, and feeling about the same.
Forget the self-care, friends, relatives, and hobbies. You’re a nipple-providing, ass-whipping, bottle-washing, lullabying machine.
Your new hobby is discussing with your fellow moms whether you piss yourself a little bit after sneezing or coughing, how much milk you produce, and what’s hot in the world of shaping underwear.
Now everybody finally starts spilling the truths about having babies, lots of "it’s the best and easiest time now, just wait till she/he starts walking".
Oh yeah, your relatives will keep checking in to make sure your kid is not doing better/learning faster than their nephew, neighbor’s kid, or their second aunt’s grandchild.
You’ll get almost bald too.
People will stop by unannounced to see you in all your new mom glory…
Then maybe, if you are lucky, a quick break of your baby almost sleeping through the night.
You are still not sleeping, though, because you are lying in the dark listening if he/she is breathing funny or not.
And then the teething, learning to eat solid foods, crawling, and learning to walk… It’s a mix of tears, saliva, spat out food, chewed up stuff, and literal shit all over the place… the baby’s, yours, your pet’s, and your partner’s too, if they are still around.
By the way, I almost forgot, in the middle of this, you are expected to stop crying and come back to work full-time, and respawn into the pre-pregnancy fun, caring, loving partner with the libido of a teenage boy.
And then about 9-12 months into this surreal shit, your kid will learn how to walk, run, climb all things in his/her way, chew, push, toss, throw, flip, and break everything they can possibly reach in your house. It’s like a tornado that somehow entered your home without damaging it on the outside but completely gutting it on the inside. Day after day after day. Oh yeah, they will do the same shit to every place you take them to. You will be endlessly stupidly and guilty-smiling and apologizing.
By the way, toddlers don’t get the concept of sleeping in, weekends, or holidays. They’re at it as early as 5-6 am 365 days a year.
Also, they will straight up bully you into participating in absolute nonsense games and activities that will often result in you getting bruised up, bleeding, and/or just hurt trying to catch their little asses last inch before smashing their little bodies into the floors/walls/furniture, etc., and you will do that over and over, day after day. Despite your wreck of a body hurting pretty much all the time. Because remember, all through this shit, you get no warnings, no breaks, no breathers.
Actually, you will do whatever it takes to keep your toddler happy and content. Especially during the potty training. You will magically transform into an accomplished singer, stand-up comedian, and a clown to keep them sitting down and doing their business. Yeah-yeah you, the established professional with degrees and awards and newly acquired memory of a goldfish. I mean, you will remember all the "wheels on the bus" and shit, but none of the actually important information. Instead of learning new professional skills and/or continuing your education, you will be mastering the art of changing diapers in pitch black room, pissing and washing hands in 30 sec, while the microwave (your new best friend) warms up the baby bottle or your coffee for the 7th time. Or picking up the toys and yourself for the 27th time in 3 min, while the toaster (your second best bud) makes you a shitty frozen waffle you regularly forget about because... the memory of a goldfish...
Even though not negotiating with terrorists is the best practice, you might want to get with the program and get some training, because this one is going to be related to you.
 
I don’t know what comes after this; we haven’t gotten that far yet, but it’s been fun and real.
And most importantly, ALL WORTH IT.
Because after all, it really is all love and joy, mixed with pain, doubt, guilt, worries, sleepless nights, and exhausting days. But love and joy are bigger, stronger, and last through all the hardships of motherhood. Because there is absolutely no better feeling than seeing your child healthy and happy.
And that’s why the human race keeps on surviving. And people do this to themselves more than once, willingly too!

​​

​

© Tatsiana West, 2022